Standing Still

In the last month, Ive travelled  across seven cities, averaged 6 hours of sleep a night, worked out nearly every other day and lived like a clock as much as I could. Wise words from wise people, fictitious or otherwise are always good to keep in our toolbox of lessons on perspective. Ive made good choices with food as much as I could (except one night when I stressed out and demolished the entire contents of my hotel refrigerator with sugary drinks I loathe as it had been three nights on very little sleep) and lost my temper a few times. Just last week, I was in two of these cities, desperately wishing I didnt have to work past Monday. I am way behind on some deadlines and even being in the office till 9pm last night and then helping with moving until 11 didnt get everything done. Sometimes, it is very important to stand still.

We are space shifting from what was our home of 20 years. Its a bitter-sweet process as we bid goodbye to the walls that heard our laughter, cries, fights, love, anger and secret wishes… I believe walls do have ears, wood does record memories, the chains on the swing that got me through some wonderful summer evenings remember my confessions of my biggest fears and statements of bold ambition. As I look around our temporary housing, I am reminded every second of my purpose. I like having goals as I am a day-dreamer so, dreaming is something I cannot choose not to do!

I am reading four books simultaneously and get a little lost occasionally. I love being busy but more than that, I love being free. Free to state my opinions without prejudice or fear or anxiety. The last three months have been a whirlwind of hiring, moving, working, reading, writing and being. Ive met some very interesting people, some very ordinary people, some that traveled great distances to see us with no purpose and no solid intentions, some that I traveled great distances to meet who did have solid intentions and clear thinking. I did notice that money is a very dispensable commodity amongst the young(er) generation(s). There is no value for it. It took me 8 years of my professional life to think of buying a somewhat “smart” phone. More than 80% of the people we interviewed with less than 2 years off the blocks dazzled us with blackberrys and more talk than action about their willingness to work. Im glad we are still a small organization, no coffee machines, no swipe cards, no flashbulbs, no lime.

Between space shifting, people watching and standing still, Ive become an optimist. For once I noticed how beautiful the trees that lined our own street look. I also found gladness in my heart on more than one ocassion and a reaffirmation of all my choices. My poor husband bore the brunt of my incessant 1am calls with more brain farts than he could process in the next two lifetimes. I dont mind my unglamorous life. I still hate makeup. Between spending the evening at home and out in some noisy place, Id prefer the former. If I can cook and find company for scrabble all the better. Some wise man said that if we cannot change the situation, we must change ourselves. I believe that changing ourselves because of external situations and wanting to change ourselves because of internal choices will ultimately determine our own happiness. Im dissing the wise man for this century and just gunning for option #2. And so the story goes……..

Crossroads

I am no stranger to these placeholders. After living in ten cities in less than two decades and having traveled all over the world I cannot claim to be cognizant of the term settle either in noun or verb form. I am a geek by profession and run a small business dealing in Intellectual Property Rights. When I first considered the sport of triathlon, it was mostly the promise of a wild adventure and the call of a thin waistline. I have always been the chubby kid in the class, so sport has always held this life size challenge for me. I tried everything in college. TaeKwonDo, Karate, Boxing, Running, Cycling, Swimming, aerobics and definitely the finest of stretching exercise just to fit into a nice pair of jeans.

Home is Bangalore, India, whose stereotype is that of a bustling city with all the multinational corporations, the jobs, the women and definitely the life. My love for Computer Engineering was born in this fast-paced city known for its IT Companies and uber-hackers turned Silicon Valley millionaires. My love for triathlon was also fostered in this city – after a decade of changes, mostly for the unknown. I started to train for an Ironman in 2005, when I resolved that only the ultimate challenge would motivate me to train in India. Traffic starts to move at 7:30 am around here and sleep and laziness are highly un-welcome. While India might put out contradicting images of having the fastest growing GDP, the finest silk and breathtaking jewelry or being full of strange religions, tongues and customs, to me India is about cotton sarees, jasmine flowers, warm rain, unannounced feminism and endless optimism.

After a bit of soul searching, I identify my love for triathlon(g)s in a bit of rebellion at what my backyard has become; smoky, stereotyped and subdued. While every commonsense instinct screamed that for me to try to iron (a) man would be painful and take at least 18 hours I decided to give it a go anyway. The birth of all new ideas warrants the presence of a loving parent in the picture. I picked my Mr. Dunn for my first Ironman adventure. Since then, I think he has evolved into a hybrid of Shrek and Crush (the cool turtle from Finding Nemo) where I play Donkey, whose favorite word is Righteous! Inspiration comes in small doses where I am from and an evening where I mooched 20 minutes off of him and the elusive Mrs. Dunn recently was an evening I will not forget, for a long time to come. I was mostly facing the effects of one too many spring tides that had been met head on for a couple of hours prior to that outing due to sheer nerves but, I digress.

I have done two of these Ironman races now but I would like to share the highlights with you, because I finally gave into wanting positive re-enforcement and sharing my sighs with the world at large. The first IM I did was in Canada when the longest ride was 220Ks into a town neighboring Ottawa, doing a triathlon there and biking back. The IM race itself was done in my pajamas because when one can hardly afford a plane ticket, it’s stupid to shop for short, tight clothes that one cannot wear to work. The volunteers on the run refused to hand me any Coke because my number was buried deep in my ten layers of clothing. Being a tropical water buffalo does not acclimatize one to Canadian Augusts.

The second Ironman was in Brazil, where the journey was a lot more interesting. I trained at home all the way leading up to the race because taxes had to be paid in April and every business has its busiest month at that time. My long rides (or any rides out doors) had me waking up at 3:30 am to beat traffic. I felt a great kinship with the unsung Gods of cotton clothes and covered legs, on these rides. My swimming dropped off following a winter in unheated pools and Yoda’s warning against ” frustration turning in to anger” after a local swim coach in Bangalore asked me to “get married”. Apparently, I forgot that the Ironman was a triathlon and not a duathlon and consequently forgot to swim for about three months leading up to the race. Getting to the start line in Brazil was my greatest challenge and I promised to tell a few people about my adventures, if I started the race and finished the swim. So here is following through on that promise… lucky Xtri! No one passed me on the run at Brazil and that was a lot of fun… I had a forgettable swim, an interesting solo bike ride and placed fifth on the run in my age-group. The finish was not petty though .. The big cloud of despair burst and along with it came a shower of anger at my lack of training opportunities, always working so hard to go half as fast, always having to do a lot of work indoors… it seemed like a winter, with no end. But then, I am in this sport for that great adventure and a thin waistline. I have come further that I over dreamt possible in a very short while and I still have “miles to go, before I sleep”.

Anu Vaidyanathan is a lost sole who moonlights as a cartesian co-ordinate from the 12th parallel. Her five-year plan is at www.anuvaidyanathan.com.

The Wednesday of my Discontent

Boy, this week is turning out to be a huge sine-wave. I woke up on Monday morning with a bee buzzing in my head. Ive had an incredibly challenging year and a half. Post New Zealand, I realized that I have not woken up early in that time. Since I workout anytime during the day, and make it a point to do so, hell, highwater or the devil himself standing in my way, I havent realized this for a while. However, I did take up new challenges last year to accommodate another important part of my anatomy, my brain This has lead to very challenging lifestyle issues… and marriage is another bag of responsibility. How does one cook, workout, teach and advise a company all in one go? Its a sure shot at madness, the permanent kind.

I did go on a low gear on training a little of last year, because getting to work would take 2 hours of commuting, every day. I loved the job but not so much the travel. I was productive but, it came with a price.. not one I was happy to pay. Earlier this year, the shoulder-rehab/training was in high gear and the teaching took a backseat. Now, the training is slowly coming back and the research is again taking a new dimension. I am enjoying all the challenges but, getting up early is the key to most of it. Yes, it is as simple as that.

So, Ive been waking up somewhat early (6:30 isnt exactly “early” but, hell, its a start) for a good part of the last fortnight. Ive also been in bed before 10 most nights. Not having a TV is a good thing, I have no shows to catch.

So, back to Monday, it started positively enough. I trained twice, figured out the new digs, cleared up some backlog at work. Tuesday was a bit of a drag, I had to force myself to train but got a lot of work done. It was a million degrees air temperature and I got severely dehydrated, even with a conscious effort to not do so. I was in bed and out by 9pm! The upside to Monday and Tuesday was some news I had been waiting for, in what seemed like 6 months! So, good and bad. Today, it took me an hour to get ready as I seemed to catch every new garb I wore on some thing and tore three blouses (now, this doesnt happen everyday). The good news was, my interval session in the morning went by like a breeze. I thought it would be a lot harder but, it wasnt.  This has lead to my being a little bit confused. Were the last three days good or bad? I cannot tell. So, here I am at 1:37 pm totally discontent with the way things are, a small cloud settling over my head. I am not sure if it will rain soon or not.

Like in training, in life, small steps are more important than giant leaps, I tell myself. I will wake up before 6:30am tommorow, come hell, highwater or the devil himself standing in my way. I will try and control what I can and turn the stones over. Maybe turning over seven(teen?) years of such stones will give me the right to stay discontent, not before. Ive been thinking of the poem “Ulysses” a lot lately. Sometimes, I just wish I could settle down in one place, call it my home. Not have to set up and dismantle places where I live and work… but, as some banner read in Bangalore, success doesnt need a desk! In the wise words of ALT (greatest ever followed by Billy Collins):

For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known—cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honored of them all—

…

And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

…

We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are—
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Sure, I am still very very hungry and wishing for permanence is like wishing for World Peace, keep wishing!

Dhruv

My cousin-in-law Dhruv is one of the most inspirational people Ive met. This kid recently passed his 12th Standard exams with amazing scores. In truth, he had very little time to prepare for it and missed several months of school due to a life-changing event. He overcame all odds and still took his exams, this makes my heart several sizes bigger with pride. His parents are some of the most hospitable people too! Maama-ji and Maami-ji, I am so blessed to know your son! When I heard the news, I almost cried. Instead of sniffling, I called him immediately and had to really stay in control of my emowtions You know me, sappy ol’ fool and all.

CONGRATS Dhruv!! You make me PROUD and you INSPIRE ME

Promises to Keep

“All men dream: but not equally.
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their
wake in the day to find that it was vanity;
but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men,
for they may act their dreams with open eyes,
…to make it possible.”
– T E Lawrence, The Seven Pillars of Wisdom

It was a beautiful, cloudy day out in the middle of nowhere, that I currently inhabit. I am slowly recovering from a sleepless night after having a falling out of sorts with a friend I just barely got back in touch with a year ago. Being around athletes has given me a good sense of fair-play and commitment. Nearly a year ago, I had a weird run-in with another friend in his circle which put me out of my comfort zone and bordered on being inappropriate. I discussed it with my mom and my girlfriends and we decided that I should avoid the person who behaved that way but, keep it quiet as I didnt want to  cause a fuss. Everyone can make one thoughtless mistake! I was in a great place, I had just finished my PhD and I was looking forward to my teaching job in rural Punjab. I didnt think too much about it and just laughed around it. A few months later (now) the same person suddenly became a thorn in my side and I am conflicted between having to lose a great friend (that I just reconnected with and some other members of the group that I wanted to get to know better) or my peace of mind. Ive chosen the former because as Howard Zinn famously said “You can’t be neutral on a moving train!”.

My husband and I were talking about structured charity. I am firmly of the opinion that charity is a one-off thing (which some people seem to bring a strong sense of entitlement to). Activism is more constant, consistent effort. Most charitable organizations run after big names, have a one-off photo opportunity and then aftter four group meetings and two dozen emails go dormant over the course of a year. Im a numbers person, I like results.

1. Its unpopular to say that turning off your lights for one hour doesnt mean shit if you are out there driving your car all over town, all week. Really thinking about conscious consumerism is a mammoth task.
2. Its unpopular to say that activism is almost a full-time job and no one can “quantify” how much they give of themselves to the greater common good vs. for their own progress.. besides, miserable people make miserable members of any organization so personal growth is very important.
3. Its unpopular to say that true heroes are never found in newspapers or handing over fat cheques for “charity”. True heroes are made in the moment. I heard the story of a man who threw himself over an old woman when a building in Christchurch collapsed. He died saving her. He was 25 with everything in the world to look forward to. I dont think he was thinking at the time “Im gonna be heroic!”, it was impulse. Heroism is impulsive.
4. Its unpopular to say that one does not have to play to the crowd to be “accepted”, that kind of acceptance means nothing.
5. Its unpopular to say that ethics, respecting your partners (in life and work) and drawing lines with personal space is your biggest daily dose of charity.

That being said, Ive had a really great fortnight. Ive made a few decisions that I have been struggling with and I see a clear path ahead for myself. I see no place in my life for negative people, words, energy and acts. I think the world has enough of that without having to deal with it on a daily basis. I want to celebrate the good things in life. I want to celebrate looking at a wide-open sky and thinking about promises I have made to myself. I want to know for certain that I have never short-changed myself or let people that dont count, under my skin. I want to be moved by the beauty of simple things, acts of kindness and the joy of writing and reading.That being said, I have a few books on my plate including some running books, 13 Bankers, Sherlock Holmes (:) and the Seven Pillars of Wisdom.Heres hoping for a great month of April!

More Sonerous

I am watching the movie “Dead Poets Society” and it reminds me of my first semester at IIT Ropar. I got great reviews and then I got  some mail from a problem student! Later in that semester, the student did really well in my project and came around to tell me that though he got a “B” he learned a lot. That was a high point as a teacher.When I think of most of the things Ive done, they have a common theme - Free Will.

Im ocassionally stuck with people that are “mature, responsible and responsible”. I laugh in their company. That irritates them no end.

Sometimes, its best to listen to your heart. My heart says “dream, aspire, love”… so that my children (if any) will learn the same.

Here is to April 14th, not too late for a new year’s resolution! “If its easy, it ain’t worth doing”!

Run for Japan

I am very happy to share my association with Run For Japan. We were caught in the Feb 22nd Earthquake in New Zealand. We had barely shifted to safety when we heard about Japan, where the death toll and devastation is far worse than what we saw firsthand in Christchurch. Having interacted with the Red Cross in New Zealand made it amply clear that community fund-raising efforts are very important in these times. I really appreciate being a part of this effort at Run for Japan and know that community spirit and compassion are coming through with every step.

I have run in the most unlikely places, for the most unseemingly lengths of time, in many mind-frames, up and down, indoors and outdoors, Ive run hard and slower than one can imagine… In short, every step you take for this cause will make a difference in someone’s life. Please join us this month as we try to cover 24,901 miles in 28 days. We have 555 runners as of this posting and nearly 10,000 miles done and dusted!

The Bucket List

I watched this hilarious movie called “The bucket list” starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. What was not so hilarious was that it was one day after we had decided to depart from Christchurch, after waiting for a week to see whether the situation would improve in the earthquake ravaged place. We did fear for our lives for all of five minutes when we ran down the stairs that Tuesday and then all night, when we slept quivering by the door… and then every night that followed when we still felt very violent aftershocks. I have never liked making more of a situation than there is to it but, let me tell you, this has put a whole new perspective on my own life and how I wish to lead it. Funnily enough, it was not the earthquake itself that created that perspective. We were in a different mindset for a whole fortnight following the quake, one that was very stressful, sleepless and generally anxious. What really put the perspective on my life was what happened on Tuesday, this week. There was a moment of absolute clarity on how much I valued free will.

There was still mistletoe in the aeroplane when I boarded for my January adventure and I cried watching the movie Eat, Pray, Love (so I had some clue that something had changed in my life) but, nothing in the world could have prepared me for this experience. So, it made me face my mortality and think about a suitable “Bucket List” so to speak.. some wise woman said that as we grow older in a profession, the distance between what we set out to do and what we end up doing gets shorter, with a bit of focus and hard work…….. I have two dreams in life, one to be a great athlete, one more to use my brain to its full extent. In that light, here is my bucket list, with items I think I have achieved, ticked off:

a. To always be honest with myself and those closest to me.[CHECK] <-- This has made me very unpopular at times, oh well!
b. To love unconditionally. [CHECK]
c. To explore the world from the seat of my bike without petrol involved.
d. To be a decent teacher. [CHECK]
e. To win a busy and important award [This wont happen as I asked my bosses at one point to take a hike... Ill take one for the team].
f. To write, a lot!
g. To sleep, undisturbed.
h. To re-discover passion, as I knew it, that had no boundaries, no time-limits, no fears.
i. To LIVE and ASPIRE to what are personal goals, no matter how difficult.

Wish me luck!

Flashback – Tsunami 2004

“A thousand rupees, two dozen bags of rice, one bag of potatoes and drinking water.”

This is what the lady in the picture (whose livelihood was centered around fixing boats, not quite fisher-woman) had to say in terms of compensation she recieved for losing everything they had to the Tsunami, back in 2004. I took the time to visit Nagapattinam and Velankanni eight months down the line and here are some pictures from back then.

Here is an older post on this subject:
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Post-Tsunami Notes

I took an opportunity that presented itself to visit Nagapattinam and Velankanni, two of the places worst hit by the Tsunami on December 26, 2004. After reading a lot about aid that was being rushed to these areas, trying frantically to raise money myself, I thought it would be worthwhile to see what had chanced since.

My journey started at Tarangampadi, a part of the coast which had a fort that was a “must see” according to the driver. I don’t think he realized that I was not exactly sight-seeing, but, whatever. The funny thing was that there was a fort (supposedly a historical monument) and the compound (or the surrounding wall) had been whitewashed after the Tsunami. For a second, I wondered how much the paint job cost, but, clicked a phew photos and headed towards Nagapattinam.

On the surface, things seemed like they were back to normal. There were shops selling things as usual, people moving around trying to fix boats
and some more
houses, with new paint jobs.

The first place I stopped at Nagapattinam was a shelter put up by an NGO called sevai. I thought this would be a good place to walk into and ask a few nosy questions. I met the residents, one of whom was making idlis for sale. I sat down and spoke to her for a while, asking her what happened and how things had been dealt with. She told me that her husband fixed and painted boats for a living. She herself used to have a cycle shop while her youngest son was still in school, before the tsunami. When it hit, they left everything they owned and fled. Some combination of the government and NGOs gave them temporary shelter for a week after. After this time, they were given 25 bags of rice (per family), and Rs. 2000 twice (total of Rs. 4000). After this, there was NO FURTHER AID . I was a little surprised, but not too much. She seemed grateful and sincerely so, because in her view, they had given her shelter and care just after the disaster. Prodding a little further, I asked about the cycle shop and the boat-repair shop to which she replied that neither existed anymore. Her youngest son had dropped out of school and gone to work (in a city) to raise some more money for the family and she herself now made idlis, to be sold. Most of the aid-money had gone to fishermen but, not the adjoining industries (like boat-repair or small shops on the coast).

I have questions (nerd-alert again):

First, what was the total amount of aid that was sent into India and seggregated by the government itself for relief purposes?

Second, how many fishermen were compensated and with how much money/other goods?

Third, why is the issue about making the aid-disbursement process more transparent not being raised by anyone?

More soon.. until then my story remains incomplete

Whats missing?

The spate of bad-news including the quakes in New Zealand and Japan have made me sit up and think. I have been overwhelmed trying to balance my personal goals and my goals for social involvement, both pulling me in different directions. When I landed up at IIT Ropar, one bewildered student asked me “Why are you here ma’am?”. It was meant as a friendly question (as I am really inspired by this kid) but, I thought about it today. I left home at a very young age and probably ended up pining for my country and changes thereof in a different dimension all together.

In high-school, I met Medha Patkar when our school went on an excursion to a nearby dam. I didnt know what she was doing then (I was just a kid) but, she seemed nice and talked to us children very kindly. In college, I worked 20 hours a week on a work-study scholarship… sometimes this meant scraping dishes, other times data-entry or programming jobs by the third year but, money was precious. I never spared an ocassion to splurge my hard-earned cash on some second-hand books and I read a lot. I also knew about P Sainath, Noam Chomsky and Arundhati Roy. I dont know how much I agree with what Arundhati Roy says, as I grow older. However, I do know that P Sainath has done a lot to put the spotlight on farmer-suicides within India.

To a student in Computer Science in any of my classes, farmer-suicides are the LAST thing on their mind. They are more concerned about grades, exams, projects, internships (this is a new fad, the biggest names are more important than the actual learning experience), complaining about bad hostel food and ocassionally, when they meet a goofy teacher like me, puzzlement ensues. There is just massive apathy about current-affairs. Politics is almost a swear-word, its dirty, we wont go near it. The same with systemic flaws, if something doesnt work, its easier to complain amongst friends rather to think about what the cause of the problem is and go after it. When I was a student, I had big causes, boycotted processed foods very early on (and genetically modified crap at McDonalds, which is the HIT of the weekend outing in India) and eagerly read up on political debates. The most basic human-right is the right to life. Lets forget about television and employment for a minute. I had an opinion on the policies on Genocide within various historic events (not that anyone cared but, at least I knew what happened or what was happening )…. I cannot say the same for the youth of today and I am a little baffled myself.

There are massive problems with our system and I am no proponent of solving all of them. In fact, I have no answers to how any of these problems CAN be solved. However, if India were to face a natural disaster today (and lets not forget, we already had our issue of nature’s wrath with the Tsunami in 2004), we would have no road for reprieve. Most things are sort of buzz-words in our brains till it affects us, personally and this is a bad thing. Our choices define who we are.. however even the most idealistic person would know that natural disasters have no rhyme or reason and dont discriminate by zip-code. Its just that our path back to normalcy (systemically) would be much worse than in New Zealand or Japan and that is a scary thought.

There is almost NO importance for human life in India. Are we stupid enough to think that a tsunami or natural disaster would only affect rural areas, where neither anyone cares about the state of health-care, nor education, nor food-security, nor income-demographics (how many of my students KNOW where Nagapattinam is? Do they know that a majority of people affected in the 2004 tsunami were fishermen? People who were too poor to complain about rehabilitation?) nor employment guarantees? Activism is almost a dirty word in student life or a non-entity. But, the present state of affairs works for no-one. Not the poorest of the poor and not the middle-class (we are much more smug though). We pay a lot of taxes though, do we have the freedom to run at 6am if we wanted to without fear, without reservations and with joy? Do we have the freedom to stay in our country and contribute to the projects that interest us instead of seeking sunny shores for the 100,000$$ paychecks? Do we have the freedom to take care of our parents and stay close to our roots without having to drive 2 hours in mad traffic, lost sleep and bad eating habits and long hours at work?

What exactly IS missing?