Of Goals, Goalees and Gatekeepers

Well, just two days ago, I got a mysterious e-mail from my boss, pertaining to this blog. It simply said “Auld lang syne!” While I dont speak Klingon, I intuitively knew what it meant.. something along the lines of “get your lazy fingers moving”…….. With all the highs and the lows Im currently stuck in, this seemed like a garangutan task. No, the word “garangutan” is something I just made up! In my dictionary, which is from the language Klingon-meets-Anu-Version-2, this stands for “simply huge”, not to be confused with “immense”, “vast”, “gigantic”,”colossal” or “mammoth”.. simply huge.

To confuse my depression-meter, I first set out to spice things up with a little bit of grinding activity, in the kitchen. While I used to love my kitchen, even as recently as upto March, this sudden self-imposed road-block, as my buddy Meera would put it, my kitchen and I have not been communicating. So, after mashing all the spices up into some mix of what they could not have been, in their whole forms.. I proceeded to watch copious amounts of TV. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I do not watch TV. In fact, I hate TV. Television, yes, any version flat screen, big screen, whatever, is the bane of my existance. I even go so far as to hate the ones in the gyms where people seem to walk less and be transfixed on this little blue screen…. Anyway, back to the confession, yes, I watched COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF TV for about what felt like a week but was indeed just three days. I love this show called “Castle”. Although the actors seemed theatrical and boring at the beginning, it is actually quite bearable, given that I have watched three whole episodes now…

Post the spice-making and the televisioning, I decided to look up some random chaps that I have been trying to convince to give me a project, more like a long-term commitment of sorts……. All my projects are long-term commitments. When I dont get the project, I get depressed, anxious, moronic, sleepless, tv-orientated, spice-grinded and oh, its 1am, sleepless.. wait, I said that already. In this case, I did not get the project and that made me very very sad…………

Someone told me last night that I must acknowledge the gate keepers to every dream of mine.. somehow I feel that fences, gates and anu vaidyanathan dont go so well together. As a child, I jumped out of every “camp” my parents tried to send me to and when I was 16, even a despotic hostel (that my poor dad enrolled me in unwittingly, he hates fences even more than I do) when I was determined to study for the IIT-JEEs in a different city than my hometown Bangalore. Anyone who has been to Chennai can tell you that they dont exactly think like Bangaloreans……… scary people. They had a rule about going to bed at 8pm at that hostel and phone privileges only if we behaved ourselves (which meant keeping our shoes clean, our nails clean and our clothes washed… umm.. I just tended to differ).

So, back to the question of gatekeepers, I am ok if they are really goalees pretending to be gatekeepers because in that sense, goalees make your game and goals sharper, gatekeepers keep you out. So, I prefer a goalee to a gatekeeper, any day of the week.

I met a chap recently that I really wanted to impress. Besides being really nice to me, he was inspiring on a very different level, having moved back home to teach, after some fancy degrees abroad. Much like my friend SS, who instilled a great sense of what is right and what is just plain boring when it comes to following your heart vs. taking a job just because you were meant to. In this case, I misread the chap to be a gatekeeper, rather than a goallee.. now that my foggy perception has cleared up… I am back on track and blogging like there is no tommorow.. oh wait, it IS tommorow being past midnight.. so, Ill stop now and hopefully my Goosefraba therapy will kick in soon.

Deep Depths and High Heights

I feel lost…….. not just a little lost but WAY lost. I have been in this place before, unsure of where I am coming from, much less sure of where I am headed. Add a few people who mirror your worst doubts to you and what you have is a sure-shot recipe for disaster… or metamorphosis. It is your choice.

I have had a lot of time to think in these past few months though. Im bold enough to write out a few things today…….

Most people live in fear: Fear of traffic, bad jobs, bad-hair days, relationship drama, neighbor-gossip drama and other dramas. I find the spoken word very shallow in most people. I personally cannot stand polite conversation so, I stay as far away from the spoken word as I possibly can. But, fear renders stupid words as well.

People have big egos: I am right because I am older than you, richer than you, smarter than you, more powerful than you, have seen more of the world than you have, have had worse circumstances than you have, etc. etc. Ive heard most of it in my own life…… I have an ego too…….. Mostly about my weight. Athletes are obsessed with their weight, as we well should be. It is our job. However, post injuries Ive also felt like a big stationary potato, unable to move and consequently also like a festering pile of bacteria So, my ego is hurt…..

Writing is an act of will and reflects our innards: Try writing a hand-written note to someone when you are unhappy. Given the propensity of keyboards, this is hard but, I still hang on to my ink-pens and my foolscap paper… I dont suceed at writing all the time though because I know I am very transparent and whatever I feel comes out with no filter.

In summary, my fear, ego and writing are all things to watch, acknowledge and work with for myself to evolve. I choose metamorphosis today and to remain stable through the deep depths and high heights and not take either as a hit.

The comeback kid

Truth be told, I have been in a very bad head space after multiple back-to-back injuries. Two steps forward, one step back, is what it has felt like, since January. Added to this, I have realized that no matter how many technical degrees I get, I am something of a right-brained, left-handed, artistic-tendenc(ied!) person who takes everything to heart.

I met the undertakers of creativity three days ago and this added to my grand depression about the state of the world. These people were the usual suspects, loud, judgemental, passive-aggressive and just lousy people. I felt like I was stuck in that nightmare when all the street signs point to hell.

Randy Pausch while a showman of sorts, said that one can choose to be like EOR or TIGGER, when going down the path called the boulevard of no excuses and guilt-free, potential-maximizing living………. Today, I feel like Marvin (the paranoid robot with a big brain who is perennially depressed). I have a long road to recovery staring me in the face, unhappy people around me that get me down and my attitude is at an all time low.

But then, its only Wednesday. Stay tuned about how this week turns out. Persistance for me is like hotel California, I can check out any time I like but, I can never leave.

Back at it

Im three days into my recovery plan and I can say, its all coming back to me now. I love doing what I do and that is good enough reason to keep doin’ it! I made a mistake in January by biting a bit too much more off than I could really chew. Recovery is the holy grail for any athlete and thus, I am more mindful of the need for sleep or being very selective in how I spend my time. Some friends understand that most nights I am drooling by 8:45 pm, some dont, either way, the ones that stick around are the only ones worth having anyway.

I went on a long run on Sunday with much apprehension. I was fast asleep by 8:30 the previous night and up by 4:30am. There were so many voices of doubt in my head. It was almost as if it was my first EVER long-run.. Somehow, I feel this way even after having run 84.4km in one go, last August. I worry that I will forget how to run if I am seperated from my shoes for more than a few days. I started out in the pitch dark and as light slowly emerged, in an hour’s time, so did my spirits. I considered cheating on my long run, several times but, I was very glad I did not give in. I proceeded to spend the rest of the day with one of my best friends and his amazing wife. There was more temptation to “chill” at lunch but, thankfully, I did not give in. I went on a long swim, once again te impulst to cut it short being very very strong.. I took a little break in the middle, watched some kids play, helped a kid with his stroke and kept swimming.

Sometimes, just ocassionaly that is, it is OK to step back to actually make progress. While its hard to admit that one makes mistakes, that is the very nature of life. Besides, how will we know our limits if we dont test them? Time and again and again?

Ive decided to live up to the promises I have made to myself in order to be a better person for everyone else to engage with. If I am not happy, there is no way Id be spreading any joy around, for starters.

Its 9:40pm tonight, I am on a strict “no late nights” embargo. So, Im off to read my book and fall asleep.

Shapeless sisters

Well.. I never like athletes who make excuses. Ever hear this “Oh, I was perfectly ready but my shorts didnt match my socks and my race went downhill” or “Oh, Ive had such a hard time at work that I didnt have time to train” or “Fill-your-favourite-excuses-here”…

In any case, for about 5 weeks in the recent past and since January to be precise, Ive had a string of random injuries. Injuries are a given in my life however, its annoying when they all clump together! Makes me wonder if there is some evil force out there pushing pins in a rag-doll that resembles me

Just in the last five weeks, I managed to fall off my bike, have a major dislocation, infect my foot for 2.5 weeks and suffer major separation anxiety from my dissertation work. So, Ive made up the same annoying excuses with myself, knowing fully well that they are simply excuses and invalid, in many ways. Laziness manifests itself in many ways but, the first step is acceptance that there is a problem The second step is doing something about that and Im on the road to recovery. The magic step is not too far away either.

Wish me luck! And if you ARE pushing pins, just know that I am made of some combination of carbon and H2O so, it ain’t gonna work, starting now!

Sweet May!

Money for Nothin’

I was reading a few e-mails flying around in my athletic circles about how another friend decided to “cut back on sport” and “get on with life”. This made me think about the other e-mails Id been reading from my non-athletic circles about how another stressed out engineer decided to “cut back on work” and “go live for a bit”. I find these parallels very amusing, in my own quest to train like a world champion and feed my intellectual curiosity, that keeps me up, many nights, whether or not I am training. I just quit my second job as I felt they were inefficient in both utilizing my time and theirs so, here is a rant on that note..

As an employer, I find that the hardest thing to do is to be fair to my employees, CONSISTENTLY. Overall, my kids at work either stick with me for years or quit quickly. I prefer it that they quit quickly because there is no glamor in working for me, its 9-5, 6 days a week and no excuses. I dont allow people to work from home unless they have been with me for two years. I dont subscribe to “work whenever and however you want” models, unless they are studying part-time, in which case, the rules are different. Additionally, I am very conscious about paying people, ON TIME.
There were times in the last 2 years when I came very close to not being able to do this (pay people on time) but, by the grace of careful spending and unglamorous coffee machines, it didnt come to that.

A lot of people that come through our organization are surprised that we ask for no bond, pay for lunch and encourage healthy activities such as living close to work and walking to work, rather than taking a bus that is a major dent in your daily productivity to begin with.

What I notice however is that to consistently want the best for people, is difficult. Even by the most fair and amazing of bosses and employers. Ive been employed several times myself and its funny how different the equation is, when you are working, for a salary. It is only when I work for someone that I understand how irritating it is to work hard with some uncertainty of when I will get paid, or when the employers make stupid comments and brew up clouds of gray over what could well be a great turnout on a small and focused effort.

One of my favorite quotes is “Do as I say, not as I do”, which really goes to show how far away preaching and practice can be, in the real world. Unfortunately, not all businesses can run as single-starrer Bollywood hits and definitely investing in some teams and co-ordination upfront, saves a lot of trouble later. One of the most important ingredients in a team is trust. If you have that, everything, including money is often secondary. However, in a totalitarian world such as ours, speaking plainly is not an accepted practice. So, very often I see my non-athletic, industrial types, wasting a lot of time with office politics, where the stapler went and who spent more on the Xerox-machine and Blackberry subscription than the next guy. Working for yourself takes away some of these headaches as its your Xerox machine and your blackberry to begin with However, I still believe in the wisdom of crowds, not just because my dissertation demands it.. but because I truly hope to have the humility to see that one person, alone, can only go so far.

In the meanwhile, I hope that as an employer and as an employee, my least common denominator will be to never expect money for nothing…… Cool Hand Luke mightve well said that “nothing can be be a real cool hand” but, Ill save that for the 30k mark in the Ironman rather than office politics.

Rheumatoid Regrets

I awoke last Monday with a smile on my face, my entire soul burning with purpose. I had set myself a target (finally) after weeks of haranguing over my grand purpose in life.. as if I was all that significant! I think the PhD has actually dulled my brain, rather than sharpen it. I was never a huge fan of the ivory tower, yet, I run circles around it, hoping it will change. Change me or change itself? Not sure. The Monday was spent running three times and a solid swim. My bike had a flat on Sunday night and I was too lazy to fix it and decided to run everywhere instead of bike everywhere, as I normally do, hence the three runs. On Tuesday, the bike tire was still flat and I was just as lazy and so, once again there were two runs and a solid swim. Of late, Ive been dancing a lot, in the privacy of my own living room.. Once one is as photogenic as me, one knows the probability of scaring children to be very high, both pictorially and otherwise. So, I limit my Bollywood moves to when I am entirely alone.. but, the good news is that this must mean I am happy about something. Tuesday night is an exceptionally hectic night in my life and after a few calls, I felt the need to run again. This was on the training plan and I was itching to run. There was a full-moon out and this really helped set the mood for the negative split run, as did the music I recently purchased.

The run went better than planned, being my sixth run, in two days. My left leg was wincing a bit at the effort at the end but, I took it as a compliment, iced it and went to bed. The next day called for a ride and my left foot was not a happy camper. However, once committed twice shy so, I took off on my ride anyway, determined to get through it. 45 minutes in, at an intersection, I fell hard in an attempt to brake and get my foot out of the pedal and landed on my left side. I hauled a ride back home, unable to bend my knee and a tad concerned for wasting a beautiful day. After a few visits to the physio, a lot of ice and ibuprofen later, I was in slightly better shape the next day and decided to finish my ride. I only got about an hour in when the knee started to have issues tracking again.. since my romancing the pavement experience from less than 24 hours ago was firmly implanted in my brain yet, I didnt want to risk another fall. I have been known to do silly things but, I had a huge block of training coming up so, I went home and slept for about 36 hours, with ocassionaly wake-up calls for food and things. My friends tried to get me to go with them on a holiday for Easter but, even those plans did not keep me from snoring loudly in the back of the car, while the car left and came back to town. Sleeping beauty was in full force. Apparently the bruising was worse than I was ready to admit and cost me 3 days of training. BUMMER!

I wonder now, how today will turn out. I sure hope that I dont give into regret, look over my shoulder and waste a perfectly beautiful day. So, the plan is to finish up some work and get back into the training, my mind burning with purpose once more. The best things in life are the simple ones. A satisfying run, a kind word, an encouraging smile, a silent prayer, a beautiful song, a lack of judgement about lives we know nothing about and appreciating our opportunities.

Visor than Vaidyanathan

The trouble with giving a girl like me free stuff is that I generally get emotionally attached to it and approach its usage like an engineering problem. After four years of wearing hand-me-downs and thrift-store specials from Seattle and mom’s old sweaters from the 1940s, I was overwhelmed when I got some awesome gear from my awesome new team TIMEX I got three varieties of hats, lots of lycra (yeay) and most importantly awesome watches that I can tap and that make great conversation pieces with the cute trainer in the gym that I am secretly hoping will ask me out someday! There IS a God and his name is Denzel Washington…

Back to the story in hand, I got so attached to my new tap-watch that I have been running like a maniac… tap at the start, tap half-way up our version of heart-break hill, tap when cute kiwi looks over at me, tap again when shoe laces come off, tap once more just to tap and so on..

Speaking of the hats, I decided to stress-test ‘em all to see how I looked and give you a gear review on the aerodynamics of hats………… Perhaps I shouldve titled this article “of hats and hicks” Anyhoo, back to the point at hand…. The pink bling hat is very cute but makes me look scary so, while I love cute, I say no to the pink bling. The booster juice hat was shaped differently but a bit too purple so, while I am marrying a surfer who lives in a purple house (and is preferably Canadian), I say no to the purple as well… Which brings us to the mother of all non-hats, the VISOR……. This is a headless hat, which makes it instantly appealing as pursuing my doctorate left most of my brain in ethereal ruins anyway, I think most of what was left evaporated and this is the no-pretense hat……… so, I tested this in three positions, the usual route, makes me happy… the side Eminem-look-east-tries-to-ape-the-west look… makes me even MORE happy… the 180 degree turn all the way back makes me the happiest Who cares if its aerodynamic or not! Given that I have a new fashion mentor (Daniel Brienza) who has been training his tail off for upcoming races, I have to look good, AT ANY COST.

Back to the lycra, I decided to “suit up” for a 2 hour ride recently, and look like a “REAL ATHLETE” and all.. I didnt know how to wear the leg-warmers so, I sent a panic-mail to Daniel asking about the laws of gravity as applicable to these non-tights in white. He said, I should definitely wear them OVER my bike shorts and make sure I had them on first and then the shorts, so that I didnt spend too much time.. er.. suiting up. And so I did… it took a bit longer than I thought it would but Daniel knows best………….. In this moment of extreme fashion makeover-age, I forgot to eat breakfast and sure enough bonked 40 minutes into my ride and stopped for some coffee and goodies. I asked for the apple strudel with yoghurt and the chocolate brownie with cream and a latte… but on second thought, given that I had to fit into the lycra at least a few more times, I cancelled the brownie and asked for the strudel instead but with the cream, instead of the yoghurt… and oh, switched to plain coffee with *gasp* low-fat milk. This snack improved the quality of my ride by a little more than the matching clothes and I was convinced of my own awesomeness again! Mom’s jacket and the thrift-store red-coat and my button-less blue wolly cap added a bit more color to the riding ensemble.. Be BRILLIANT, I say!

So, Im off to buy some MORE matching gear and have no fear, I will give you the review……… The runs are all coming back to me now……….. 8 weeks in paradise swimming with big-a$$ paddles, and then Im off on the long brown road to yonder.

Airwave

Its closer to midnight than I thought it would be.. Ive been listening to Boh Runga for a while, after having ridden my bike today. After a long time, my bike and I are talking to each other again. I missed my bike and I was told the feeling was mutual. As I ponder my next steps, Ive been taking time to rest my tired feet and rejuvenate my mind. I found that music, cooking and training early are the three things that really heighten my senses to the possibilities in a day. Additionally, a job well done also makes me happy, no end. I also like reading but good books are hard to come by. My latest read is “A Thousand Splendid Suns” and it looks very promising so far.

I struggle to reconcile between my life as a quasi-hermit-ess and the need to be around the people I count as my friends. The ones who will listen to me at the end of a long day, commiserate on the state of the world, lift me up when I am down and let me help when they need a hand. Officially speaking, I prefer the quiet places. I need the bustle of my work and the mad schedules every now and then but, 8 months of the year, I am happy working hard, cooking, reading, listening to music, writing and training.

One of my favourite poets is Billy Collins, American poet laureate, that my partner David introduced to me. Of late, the soulful tunes of the Runga sisters (Bic and Boh) and their lyrics more importantly have been very comforting. I know that peace is a fleeting emotion and one wishes to hang on to that feeling for as long as they can but, what if the road not taken involves discovery? I always wondered about people that feel like they are discovering new places, new things or breaking new ground. For example an Amelia Earhart, Ada Lovelace or even our long-distance women runners. Did they miss home? Did they find new horizons measure up to the choice of new environments and playgrounds to discover?

I wonder!

For now, Ill leave you with how I feel, in Boh Runga’s words

“Follow a trail of thought ‘til
It leads you to your station
And everyone there is on time
No worry or fear will find
Leave your worries and fears behind you”

Im going to uncrowd my life. There is a glimmer of hope!

Dr. eAVil

Well, for some odd reason, I have suffered from major writers-block and mental-constipation since December. I took a few weeks to churn out my PhD thesis as I had excellent second-year reviews and thought it was time to bid adieu to the old desk. I believe desks are important for people like me however, so are open roads. What happened next is best forgotten as it involved very little sleep, sitting in plane for nearly three whole days (yes, around 72 hours), flying east, west, north and south, sitting/sleeping on trains for more than 36 hours, sitting in buses for more than 24 hours, telling this boy I like that I really like him (I mean, come on, I was thinking “now or never”, it was friggin 3am on a train to the deep south, my co-passenger was snoring, my dad was snoring to keep the beat and I had had too much masala chaai at 10pm to be able to go to sleep.. however, facebook works via mobile, EVERYWHERE, Jai Ho!), meeting my long lost tiny roads to yonder and re-introducing myself to my old-best-friend, Ashwin.

Apparently, I have learned nothing Three years of undergraduate schooling, one year with a masters, a few more on the phd, sporting the whole time, scraping dishes for more than half that time, and still I have learned abso-friggin-lutely nothing. I still have flights of fancy, dream away, tell boys (some nice, some not so nice) exactly what I think, am inspired by random acts of kindness and have no delusions.

To give you a quick recap however (as whether or not my “fans” (or other wind-blowing devices of mass distraction) want to know, I want to show off! So here goes):

* Ive had the good fortune of meeting some very good looking people @ Team TIMEX………. They even had their first camp in New Jersey and we got to see Manhattan one night! It IS all that… I was pretty pscyhed… Additionally, anything I say about my team-mates will be less than sufficient! So, I will leave this for later… I plan on running into these kids as often as I can!
* I travelled to 9 cities in 54 days for work, laughs and the team……
* I worked nearly 18 hours, every day for those two months
* WE (Ashwin and his awesome pals and I) started this new foundation for kids with eye-cancer. Ashwin works on Retinoblastoma research.. www.ikshafoundation.org, watch this space!
* I put off leaving home (Bangalore, for the un-informed) as much as I could.. I think there were about three ticket-changes.
* I found MY SONG, it starts with “Rehna Tu”
* I picked up a new job, writing programs… thats what I used to be good at……… the platform is called “Ruby on Rails”, not to be confused with Emeralds on Trains, a bad Agatha-Christie-sque novel…… It is POETRY to my geeky soul!!
* I have a whole new team of awesome people that I call my friends now…………….
* Im now officially, Dr. eAVil, accepting applications for mini-me, get in line!
* I have realized that I am normal, thanks to the crazies I met in NJ and the ones I met at Ultraman Canada…..
* I have a new coach, who happens to be the current bright spot in my life………. there are people who make money in the coaching business and then there are real coaches. This one is the REAL deal.
* Im still as politically incorrect as ever and have no intention of modifying that.

So long for now and thanks for all the chips.